On a recent post, (Issue #281: Be My Valentine. . . OR ELSE!) it was pointed out by a gentle reader that I misspelled the word “restraining”. Had I? Yuppers! It was a fact. Did I do the simple thing and fix it? Nope. Instead of taking a few seconds to correct the panel and reload it, I took much longer to write a response that went like this:

Dang it! I was typing with my nose at the time. The problem is that I recently burned both of my hands in a smelting accident (the molten metal, not the fish). Ironically I was smelting around wild smelt when one smelt smelt my smelting and leaped straight into my smeller which left a welt and caused me to spill my melt onto my mitts. I felt the smelt on my pelt so I dealt with it by quelling the melt of my mitts in the water where the smelt dwelt. So due to my smelt smelt smelting smashup where I knelt and quelled my hellish melted mitts where the smelly smelt dwelt, I’ve had to spell with my welted smelt smelling smeller leading to my spurious spelling. Did I mention I was smelting with Celts?

I’m continually amazed at the circuitous routes I’ll take to get from point “A” to point “where the @#$%!” It’s like some sort twisted meth fed Family Circus panel. Rather than take a logical, sensible path to complete a task, I will sometimes go to extraordinary lengths to build some Rube Goldbergian device or mental construct to avoid doing what needs to get done. That last sentence should be sufficient evidence. I could have said “it’s never simple with me”.

I wasn’t trying to be a smart-ass neither. I was trying to respond to a straightforward comment in a funny way. I think that part worked. However neither I nor my therapist can tell you WHY I took such a complex and loquacious meander. And for the record, it’s amazing that ALL my panels aren’t this wordy. It takes my  complete abbey-normal gray matter to whittle things down to 2 or 3 lines. I am rarely concise.

To surmise, my response to the simple comment “You spelled “restraining” incorrectly” was NOT a short “thanks”. Instead it began with the small thought of “accidental” and blossomed into this involved, goofy comment and blog post that lie before you. Words fail me. Or not.

What was my point again?

Sweet Poopin’ Targs! Can this be for real?

Robber Uses Batleth in Hold-Up

A robber in Colorado Spring has no honor.

According to reports, a masked man robbed two 7-11 convience stores early Wednesday morning using a batleth. A clerk at one of the two stores recognized the weapon from the popular TV series, “Star Trek: The Next Generation.”

The first robbery was reported at 1:50 a.m., at 145 N Spruce St. The clerk told police a white man in his 20s, wearing a black jacket, blue jeans and wearing a black mask, entered the store with a weapon the clerk recognized from “Star Trek.” The robber demanded money and left with an undisclosed amount of money.

A half hour later, police received a call from a 7-Eleven at 2407 N. Union Blvd., where a man matching the previous description entered the store with a similar weapon. He also demanded money from the store clerk. The clerk refused and the robber ran off.

Neither clerk was injured in the robberies. As of this report, the honorless suspect is still at large.

The sci-fi goober in me says “Hooray for the space faring unwashed masses! Finally we’ll get the respect we deserve. And if we don’t, by the frakkin” moons of Meep-Zort. we will By-Gods TAKE it!”  And we’ll be armed with fantasy driven alien weapons about as useful as tits on a bull. Then we’ll all gather round the FTL in our FTL’s and speak a completely made up language and crow about how our lives really DO have meaning. Really. . . have. . . excuse me, I seem to be weeping uncontrollably.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Sci-fi. And I’m a long time Trekkie. But when you start donning your Dorn daggers to get your Kwiki-freak on, I think it’s time to move out of Granny’s basement and get some counseling. Before you know it, morons will be jackin’ the local 7-11with a Noisy Cricket and making their hyperspace getaway in a mini-van painted like the aluminum falcon. Honestly, can you imagine what they’re gonna do to this guy in lockup? They’ll be making him toss their gaak like an orion slave girl.  Yikes! Talk about being ass-similated! And he’ll be defenseless cause he can’t find any duranium to make a romulan shank out of. It will indeed be a good day to cry.

But far be for me to be unhelpful. To the cosmic constabulary I say “I know the IDENTITY of the robber”. I think we all do. Yup, Star Wars Kid. It was, of course only a matter of time. And to the Colorado Springs Special Tactical Interstellar Space Marine Jet Packin’ Time Cop Unit who must surely be closing in on this “veroooool”, my mate says “KERPLOP”! (Forgive her, she’s not a big trek fan.) Now if you’ll excuse me I must resume my batleth training.

Take note fellow Satbullers! Ye olde adventures of Sapceman (yup that’s the correct spelling) have hit the cosmos. From the comic minds of Jordan “Dr. Cosmos” Taylor, and Chris “coding genius of the Saturday Bulletin” Echols comes a comic of interstellar proportions. It’s SAPCEMAN, Brave Hero of the Universe! This comic collaborative commences with the cacophonous catapulting of it’s captain into cosmic combat with criminal computer controlled Cats. Well actually it’s RoboKitties, but I was trying to maintain my alliteration. Please forgive. I’ve checked it out and I’m already a fan. From the wacky (yes I use the word “wacky”) writings of Dr. Cosmos to the hand drawn AND hand lettered organic stylings of Mr. Echols, this daily strip promises to be a welcome companion in my daily search for humor and laughter. I’m STILL laughing about “Umm. . . the Fancy Feast for tonight: LASERS.” in issue #5. So join me in making their launch the success it will no doubt be. Here’s to laughing our collective blastoffs!

People ask me where my ideas come from. The short answer is “everywhere and nowhere”. However, that answer tends to send people into a tizzy. So answers can range anywhere from “everyday life on earth” to “everyday life on the planet Tooulquzort, via channelling a resident by the name of “Frunk”. This all depends on my transitional states between meds.

But there are admittedly sources of inspiration. Humorous beacons that shine brightly in the comedic night. And one those was (and continues to be, thanks to youtube) Mystery Science Theater 3000. Talk about inspiration. One of the funniest shows I’ve ever watched. Their format was taking old movies and adding their own hilarious ad lib track over the existing vocals. I can relate to the challenges that type of humor poses. Taking old clip art and coming up with funny captions takes a lot of work. Rewarding though it is. Not comparing my work to the stellar humor from MST3K here. So you Crow fans can drop those pitch forks and torches. Just a simple analogy.

I can only imagine what it must’ve been like to work on a show like MST3K. Must’ve been quite the hoot. I’d compare it with working for Warner Brothers Cartoons in their hey-day. That is if I knew what either was like. Still, a fella can dream.

The cats at MST3K would have me laughing so hard that I would nearly poop myself. I still sneak looks at old episodes on DVD or Youtube when I need a great laugh. One of my favorite lines of all time is comes from the “Mantis” episode (“But I got a Mantis in my Pantis”). My favorite episode is without a doubt “Space Mutiny“. (originally titled “Mutiny in Space”.) Stars Red Brown as Dave Ryder.

Luckily the Lads from MST3K have continued on in the form of Rifftrax. They now riff on popular releases and public service shorts. It’s a great way to view some favorite releases in a new laughing light.  I’ve purchased a number of their riffs. Messrs. Nelson, Murphy, and Corbett shine as brightly as ever.

Is it me, or is there a logo for EVERYTHING these days? From the worldwide corporations, to small businesses, to sole proprietors. Automakers, clothing lines, hospitals, magazines, appliances, kennels, you name it, this list goes on and on and. . . well, you get the picture. And in the search for identity, even individuals have logo-fied themselves. From professionally made, Image-consulted, PR contracted professional logos for athletes and movies stars, to graffiti tags of the disenfranchised urbanites and their suburban cousin wannabes, we use this symbol based form of art to express to others who or what we are. We seek a symbol that is uniquely us. An icon or tag that screams “In my absence, look at this picture, and think of me. . . or don’t”. But what is a logo you ask? Wikipedia defines a logo as:

A logo (Greek ????????? = logotypos) is a graphical element (ideogram, symbol, emblem, icon, sign) that, together with its logotype (a uniquely set and arranged typeface) form a trademark or commercial brand. Typically, a logo’s design is for immediate recognition.[1] The logo is one aspect of a company’s commercial brand, or economic or academic entity, and its shapes, colors, fonts, and images usually are different from others in a similar market. Logos are also used to identify organizations and other non-commercial entities.

Simply put, a logo is “a company or individual emblem or device”.

There are of course logos that are easy to recognize. Coca Cola, Nike, McDonalds, Google. and Apple to name a few. Creating a logo takes time and requires a great deal of thought. While the end product may seem simple, as a professional designer of 20+ years, I’m here to tell you, it’s a load of work. If you aren’t careful, the end product can convey the wrong message. This can be hilarious, for everyone who isn’t you or your company.

In this day of rampant (and sometimes shameless) self promotion, everyone and I mean EVERYONE wants a logo. You can’t swing a cat without hitting a trademark of some sort. . . hmmm, “swingin’ cats” logo, I think I see my next project coming up. If you have a business, something that your lively-hood depends on, I strongly urge you to seek professional help with your company icons. It’s important that it’s done right. I refer you back to the “hilarious” logos. You don’t take your mutt to the mechanics if your fluffy is yarking up chew flips. Neither should you go to your friends cousin who once won a 4th place ribbon in the county fair for his rendition of “American Gothic” in macaroni, to produce an iconic “face” for your company. As Red Adair once said “If you think it’s expensive to hire a professional, wait till you hire and amateur”.

However, this shouldn’t stop any of us from trying our hand at this time honored artistic shorthand. You want a logo for yourself? Knock yourself out! Better yet, draw a picture of boxing gloves with nipples and call it “Knockers”. Or do you just have an idea for something you think is clever or amusing? Then draw to your hearts content. There is no wrong answer here. It’s a matter of self expression. Doodle, draw, diagram, dictate, devise, or design your own image for those gems floating around in your head. Have fun above all. Create, actualize, author, build, forge, hatch and shape to your ever-lovin deeelight. Show it to other and get their feedback if’n you wanna. If they like, GREAT! Maybe they’ll do one for themselves. If they don’t like it, then you might want to show them that time-honored single finger logo that is so recognized the world around.

I’ve included a couple of logos I’ve created. One is for a buddy’s blog. Xspectre8.com. Michael Culver, Adventurer – Magician – Gentleman Farmer. I came up with tag line “Swashbuckling, Sleight of Field-Hand”. He’s a hand’s on mechanical, techno, hacker sort of guy. Knowing this, I came up with the spitting jolly roger with the crossed binary wrenches. Xspectre8 has been his “tag” for a long time, thus the spitting part of the logo. The other is a logo for “Muzek Pir8s”, a techno cover band that ultimately never was. Both use the jolly roger and number 8 in their themes. You can take a simple idea and run in many directions.

I encourage you all (or perhaps just “both”, depending on readership), to give it a whirl. I think you’ll really get a kick out of doing this. It can be a great outlet for those fantastic ideas I know you have. Good luck. Now, You Go LOGO!

How many times have we heard that one? How many times have we used it? When a friend dove headlong into some wildly desperate attempt to gain his 15 minutes of fame (damn you Andy Warhol), performing a stunt that a monkey would have the sense to avoid, we’d toss them a flippant farewell in the form of “well, it’s your funeral”. When we’d attempt what others thought foolish or impossible, like asking Mary Jo Huge-Boobies to the high school dance, our friends bon-voyage would consist of those 5 fateful syllables. And it usually proved prophetic.

Recently however, this phrase of imminent doom took on an entirely different meaning for me. A more literal and wonderfully sensible interpretation.

My uncle died on Veteran’s day. His service was held a few days after. He was a strong willed and beloved part of our family. Coming from the south, I’m used to the typical Christian service. I’m not deriding anyones faith or traditions. Far from it. This affair taught me that it really IS your funeral.

What I witnessed at my Uncles obit was, for me, a meaningful and heartfelt farewell. A unique requiem that was spoken by six people who really knew the Man. It was a memorial service that was indeed memorable. I hope that my own service will mimic it, although not anytime soon.

The event could be described from a religious standpoint, as agnostic, and at the extreme, atheistic. This proved to be a point of contention with some audience members, but, and I say this with all respect, it wasn’t their funeral. Too many times have I sat quietly as a loved one was you-googlied by some knucklehead who knew NOTHING about the deceased. It seemed contrived and downright weird. But I won’t digress here. Uncle’s service was organized by his son, who also directed the affair. He asked six people to speak their peace during the service. Each participant waxed nostalgic. None were professional speakers, but all were eloquent and moving.

After Unc’s service, many went to dinner at a fine restaurant next door. People laughed, and caught up on news that was too long in the telling. We saw people we’d not seen in up to 20 years. It was a joyful, and happy event in many ways. Lots of good memories were recounted. The tears shed were those of joy for the man who was. I laughed a lot that night. Not something I’m used to doing at funerals.

If you’re looking for my point, here it is. Plan ahead. Find out what kind of service you’d like to leave everyone with. Let somebody know what you want. It’ll be up to others to see it gets done. But don’t leave it to some fella at Berrys and Burns Funeral Home to find a speaker. Ask folks now. Preferably someone who likes you. If not, at least someone who can tolerate you. And then INSIST that attendees get together somewhere and have a good laugh or cry to your memory. You’re most definitely worth it. So if you’ll excuse the anti-pun, LIVE IT UP! It’s your funeral.

Thanks to Dave and Thomas. Calling themselves “. . .Knoxville, Tennessee’s most unusual blogging duo”, these two nere-do-wells have been linking up with us at the Saturday Bulletin and sending traffic our way.  I’d like to show appreciation and reciproka. . . resiproh. . . reecepre. . . return the favor. There’s some freggin funny stuff here and plenty of content keep you busy for longer than your employer will allow. Their daily timekillers (some of which are NOT suitable for work they say) give us a look at “the odd news and pop culture that makes our world so great!” I tip my fedora to you fellas. Keep up the grand and glorious work.

In just a few days we’ll enjoy the hoots and hollers, the thrills and delights, and the all out freggin fun fest that is Halloween! What a great day. From childhood until present day, I never missed out on the All Hallows Eve. Gettin candy as a kid, goin to haunts as a younger fella, and givin out the candy as a-dolt. Man I got some great memories, and I’m sure you do too. Lot’s of laughs from the many nooks and crannies of my memory.

I remember trying once to barter what amounted to a bucket full of candy corn for a single snickers bar. No deal in case you’re wondering. But I hadda try. Never could stand the CC. It acted as ballast  to help even out the weight of my bag of booty. NO, not THAT booty! I’m talkin’ boodle, gain, goods, halla-swag, spoils. Bags (paper please, no plastic) of tooth-rotting, sugar-jammed, hypertensive, confounded confections.

I also recall a trip to a haunted attraction as a boy. One of those pitch black, motion activated, scare a child into a “mud-butt”, zig-zagging maze, hell-holes. Still in single-digits and running the horror gauntlet on my own, I rounded a dark corner and stepped on one of the activation buttons. FLASHING LIGHTS! A LARGE WEREWOLF! RRRRAAAUUUUWWWWGGH! I was off like a shot! Screaming the whole way. Did I mention it was pitch black maze? Did I also mention there were microphones posted inside and loud speakers outside. The only thing missing to my visit to the tramusment park was some sort of smell-o-vision to highlight the mixed smell of spittle and urine that followed me at the speed of sound thru the. . . pitch. . .black . . .labryrinth.

Wanna know what is sounded like? Well, something like this. Keep the doppler effect in mind for extra giggles.

1. Werewolf howl.
2. High pitched scream.
3. Mach 1 patter of Pro-Keds.
4. Screaming.
5. Mach 2 sound of feet leaving Pro-Keds behind.
6. More screaming, higher, louder.
7. Sound of liquid hitting concrete floor.
8. Moist farting.
9. Long, protracted, shriek approaching, and passing aforementioned microphone.
10. LOUD dully cracking “THUNK”, coinciding with the abrupt end of panicked wailing.
11. Sound of small body collapsing to hard cold unyielding floor.
12. Crack of melon.
13. More moist farting.
14. Sirens.

While I look back and laugh now, it’s probably nothing like the laughter of those listening when it all happened. But now, I laugh. And thankfully, so does my therapist.

A while back, a friend had a dog who misbehaved. His response was to get Blue “fixed”. I thought proper training might be the answer, but twernt my dog. Anyways, this was a result of my ponderings. Sung to the tune of Inner Circle’s “Bad Boys”. At least the little bit that’s used on “Cops”.

Bad Dog, bad dog!
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when his name is Blue?

Bad Dog, bad dog!
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when he pees on youuuuuuuuuuuuuu?

It’s time for a long overdue “Thanks” to the cats at Halfpixel.com. For those of you who don’t know, HalfPixel is a group of four outstanding and successful Webcomics fellas. Their recently published book “How to Make Web Comics” has been an invaluable resource to us here at the Saturday Bulletin. The book, which we highly recommend to any aspiring Webcomic, is the brainchild, or is it brainchildren, (somebody wiki this for me) of Dave Kellett (Sheldon), Brad Guigar (Evil Inc.), Kris Straub (Starslip Crisis), and Scott Kurtz (PvP). You can order it thru Amazon, Borders etc, but if you want a signed Artist edition, contact one of the aforementioned Webcomic meisters. This work is stuffed, packed, jammed (or jellied if you prefer), and littered with first rate information. Moreover, this isn’t just speculation, but hard won experience donated freely (well, ya gotta pay for the book, but it’s worth far more than the asking price) from four successful professionals in the industry. It hardly gets any better than that.

AND, the lads ALSO produce a podcast. They started this last year around August. I only recently discovered this treasure trove and have been playing catch up. Topics of discussion range from Webcomic how-to’s, to Print vs, Web, to appearances at Comic Conventions. There are a myriad more topics. They will also answer particular questions that are either written or phoned in. I can only speculate on the number of queries that they get. (Stop snickering, it’s an actual word). IMAGINE MY SURPRISE then, when I was listening to the back log of Webcomics Weekly podcasts and I heard my name and the Saturday Bulletin mentioned. I’d forgotten that I’d even written in a question. I was sitting at work listening to Webcomics Weekly #48 – Sicky Magoo, and was about to change to some Leon Redbone when at 43:40 (30 minutes left) I heard them announce a question from “Jerry Tracy” at the Saturdaybulletin.com! Let the hooting begin! It may not sound like much to some, but to me it was more fun than a hatful of ferrets! With the amount of questions that they get, to single mine out was like winning a webcomic lottery. Hot DAMN! They answered my question (on monetizing a site with advertising) at great length. I really appreciated that.  I’d also like to mention that when that podcast aired, there was a grand spike in visits to the Saturday Bulletin. OUTSTANDING! So to Messrs. Kellett, Guigar, Straub and Kurtz, I say MANY MANY THANKS and extend to you a Laurel and Hardy handshake. You guys are to be thanked, appreciated, and lauded. Well, maybe not lauded. Too ecclesiastical. But from us here as The Saturday Bulletin, we’re grateful for all you’ve offered and done. CHEERS LADS!